Sunday, July 11, 2004

The Root.

You know when you meet people and you play the "question game". Most often one of the questions asked is "what are you afraid of". Some people proceed to talk about their fear of spiders, up to their fear of losing a loved one. For me, I think I have consistently answered, "death". It sounds out of place for a Christian to fear death, does it not? It is usually my answer that provokes a whole new game; no longer is it the "question game" as to "figure out why death". Now, it's NOT that I am not saved, for I am, and I know it is not healthy to fear death. I am going to heaven, but I think the underlying reason for my fear is pain. Knowing that after I die there will broken spirits mourning for me, or the pain involved with the process of dying. I hate feeling sick, and I fear death will be a physically painful event. Yet as I have quite elaborately shared my fear with my boyfriend, and explained my stance, he has quite subtly encouraged me to work through it. I can say that now that my worst fear is "pain". I am not afraid to die. I don't think that really was the actual fear to begin with. I love the song that says, " if ever I loved thee, my Jesus 'tis now", and I hope and pray those are the words I sing with my last few gasping breaths.

The reason I have chosen to write about this is because every time I hear that song, it really soothes me, and my worries. I heard it in church this morning, and I even sang it. Church was excellent this morning. There is a deeper theme to this entry as well. Often times we look at something so subjectively that we can't identify the real "root" of what we are seeing. In my case, I saw fear of death. Why? Because pain is often associated with death. Yet in all reality, I fear deep pain. In our relationships with God we often pray for things, ask God for things that we think we need. God says He will answer us, and yet too often we feel that God has "failed" us in a sense since our prayers don't seem answered. The truth of the matter is that we see what we need in our own eyes, but God sees the true "root" of what we need, and he'll provide us with that.

I am not sure my words are said clear, but honestly look into your lives, especially your prayer lives and break down what you are praying for. You might find joy today in know that your prayers are being answered, once you see the root of what you really have been needing...

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:10-15

Saturday, July 10, 2004


I am as a stranger to most of you, and I don't expect that to be very different. Yet if we were able to be near one another again, for even a week, you'd see that the person you know me as is not who I am. I was scared my first semester in college/university, and I treaded the water of nervousness, and to keep my head above waters, I was just plain crazy. I know I made some mistakes in representing myself, but you know we all live and we all learn a little more about ourselves, especially when we are put into an enviroment we really don't fit into right away. So as I join this blogger, and read what you write as you read mine, I ask that you simply except me as who I am despite who I represented myself as last fall.

I am going to represent myself in thought, and through my words and ideas may you recognize my sincerity. Paint of picture of who I am through the thoughts given to you to read. I do miss you all from Redeemer very much, and I am especially thankful for your patience with me as I struggled to establish who I am. Just understand that it was extremely hard for me to fit into that school, mainly because I was so different than all of you, with a different view, and a different upbringing, so I overcompensated in many ways to make friends, and ultimately made myself look foolish.

Though I am beyond petty attempts to make friends, and realizing there is a bigger picture, and that we are family, and your existance is valued in my life. May we finally get to know one another, for who we REALLY are....

"I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."

~Phm 4-7~